Never Fall Away
by xxColourMeBluexx
Summary: Post 4x07. She may have been slowly getting better but she hasn’t really felt happy or truly smiled since her recent breakdown. She thinks it to be somewhat meaningful that Cook can draw that emotion out of her with such ease. Skins: Cook/Effy


**Some things you need to know: Freddie did not die but everything else happened exactly the same in 4x07. Cook still gave Freddie a speech about growing up but it wasn't enough and he left. Also Dr. Foster is no longer an issue.**

**Never Fall Away**

~ ** ~

He's gone. She doesn't know where. She doesn't know why. She doesn't know much of anything right now but she guesses that's what having a mental illness is all about. She's diagnosed with psychosis; which involves a sense of loss from reality which explains the depression and the hallucinations as well as the voices she hears. She decides it's a fitting diagnosis that she needs not question.

She doesn't blame him for leaving. She can't blame him. She messed with his feelings and he wanted to start his life over. She figures he got scared; she can be a little scary. After all Freddie is a seventeen year old boy; it doesn't surprise her that he wasn't equipped to deal with her breakdowns and indecisiveness. It was too much for him to handle and she tells herself he shouldn't have to handle it and that she doesn't want to be a burden.

But then her mind drifts to Cook; James Cook. The boy who she tells herself she doesn't love. He is bad for her. He is wrong for her in every way imaginable but he's still _here_. She's given him every reason to run but for some reason he never faltered. He took everything she threw at him, all the insults and rejection and he took it all in his stride. She briefly wonders why. He says he loves her but she doesn't believe she is worthy of that kind of love. Of love that no matter what you do will always be there. His love for her is _unconditional_, and she wonders how he has the strength to love her in that way because she's Effy Stonem, the girl who is fucked up in every sense of the word. Why would anyone love someone like her? She thinks if Cook could hear her thoughts right now he'd tell her to shut the fuck up and stop being so self deprecating and that of course she deserves to be loved. He's Cook and he doesn't sugar coat anything, but she likes him that way.

She's back home again, after another stay in the rehabilitation clinic. She was given a new doctor via request and she isn't better, she doesn't know if she'll ever fully recover but she is on the right path and somehow she is staying strong, determined to get her life back. She has new meds, and this doctor hasn't convinced her to erase all her bad memories, it's a step in the right direction. Every day is a battle but she has people around her and she seems to be able to draw strength from their support. Slowly but surely she is making progress.

Lying in bed staring up at the white ceiling of her bedroom she tries to make sense of her issues, but they are so layered and go back years and years that it's kind of impossible. She starts to think she was born this way and that no matter what somewhere down the line she was going to explode. Either way she has weekly appointments with her new counsellor whose job it is to figure it all out.

Her thoughts are quickly interrupted by the soft knocking at the door.

"Hey honey, you've got a visitor" her mother says gently. Anthea wanted nothing more than for her daughter to overcome this ordeal and she knew that she needed her friends around her to do so. She needed all the support she could get.

After shooting a smile her daughter's way she disappears again and the doorway to her bedroom is replaced by Cook.

He makes his way nervously into her room which she finds a little odd. If there was anything Cook wasn't it was nervous. He was always confident even if he didn't always feel it; he put on a show for everyone around him. Being nervous was a sign of weakness in his eyes and he hated to be weak and vulnerable. She rarely saw him this way, in fact the only time that she can recall is during their Outlaw Tour of Britain when he was about to go see his father who turned out to be a deadbeat jackass.

"I just wanted to see how you were doing" he says casually all the while rubbing the back of his neck giving away his nerves.

She shrugs her shoulders and replies she's okay before he takes a seat next to her.

They sit in silence for a few moments, taking one another in. She looks better, there is colour in her cheeks and she isn't on the verge of mentally breaking down. He can't help but smile at her progress. She's come a long way even if she doesn't realise it yet.

"So you wanna watch ET?" he says cheekily with his trademark grin and she can't help the fact that her lips twitch upward.

She may have been slowly getting better but she hasn't really felt happy or truly smiled since her recent breakdown. She thinks it to be somewhat meaningful that Cook can draw that emotion out of her with such ease. And she tells herself this is just what she needs, someone to treat her normally, like they always have. She doesn't want to be treated like she'll break at any given moment.

They spend the next few hours munching on toffee popcorn and watching her favourite film. She feels light and like she can let go of her problems for a little while. Those problems will always be there but right now with someone who seems to genuinely care about her by her side and with ET playing on her TV screen she can live in this moment and be _happy_. She tells herself that that in itself is an accomplishment and she mentally notes to talk to her new counsellor about her progress.

He makes jokes, rude and crass, a James Cook joke at its finest and they have her stomach hurting from all the laughter. He teases her when he notices a small tear make its way down her cheek towards the end of the movie when ET goes home. Everything feels good again. She feels like a teenager again. And for the first time ever she feels hopeful that she can overcome her mental illness.

When the film ends he grabs his jacket to leave, not wanting to crowd her for too lengthy of a time and knowing that she needs her rest. She can't explain it but she doesn't want him to go. Being with him makes her feel something other than emptiness. She isn't ready to let that feeling go yet.

"I was gonna take a walk" she says standing from the bed and heading to her wardrobe in search of a warm jumper. "You wanna join me?"

He nods his head enthusiastically, that smile of his firmly in place. He could never say no to this girl. She made him feel things nobody else was capable of making him feel. He vowed to be there for her in whatever capacity she needed him, but despite his best attempts to let her go he's still terribly in love with her. Either way, he knows she is in need of a friend right now, so that's what he'll be for her. She is his _princess_ after all and he'll do anything for her.

Now walking through the same park in which he found her when she was "Elizabeth" and he thought she was playing a game he wonders where her head is at as they fall into a steady step, side by side, all the while a comfortable silence envelopes them.

Before he can give it much thought her voice breaks the silence and his attention is solely on the girl beside him.

"Why did he leave?" she asks mechanically realising that ever since she found out Freddie had left, she never questioned why. She doesn't say his name but Cook is fully aware of who she is referring to.

He stops in his footsteps causing Effy to halt and look at him with expectant eyes.

"I don't know" he replies softly even though it's a lie, but he doesn't want to cause the girl in front of him anymore pain. He's scared it will cause her to go off the rails again and he doesn't know if he's prepared for that. After previously witnessing Effy lose her mind, forgetting herself and everything that made her who she was terrified him and he doesn't want to have to experience that again. The possibility alone scares him more than he would like to admit.

"Don't fucking lie to me Cook, it's not your style" she states not believing that he doesn't know anything.

Sighing Cook wonders whether to divulge the information he has or whether to try to protect her from it. He eventually rationalises that it would be better for her to know the truth because she needs the closure if she ever wants to move on and overcome her issues. She can't live in a bubble for the rest of her life and she's right he doesn't lie. He tells it how it is; blunt, honest and to the point. That's who he is and who he always has been. She's always understood that. It's one of the many reasons he loves her. She knows him better than anyone else and he likes to think he knows her better than most too.

"He said you broke his heart" he replies and then waits for her reaction.

She nods like she expected that answer all along, "What did you say?"

"You know me" he states with a laugh, "I told him some home truths, went for the tough love approach. I guess it didn't work though."

Regret is present in his voice and across his facial features. She wonders why he feels that way, it's not his fault Freddie left but then she thinks about his feelings for her and that just maybe he feels that regret for _her_. She wonders how he can be so kind-hearted and yet put on such a strong carefree exterior all at the same time.

Despite the feelings he holds for this girl Cook didn't want Freddie to abandon her. If Freddie was the one Effy loved and wanted then he would respect it. Hell he spent months enduring it; all the while his heart broke but he dealt with it because all he really wanted was for her to be happy even if it meant he wasn't.

She doesn't verbally respond but she doesn't cry, breakdown, or freak out either. Not like when she woke up in the hospital and he had to break the news to her that Freddie was gone. Instead they just continue on with their walk, falling into an easy conversation that has them both smiling and laughing. He thinks her new doctor must be some kind of miracle worker because he can see flashes of the old Effy coming back. She's strong and somewhere in there she is starting to feel closure from her relationship with Freddie; closure that she so desperately needs to move forward.

Their walk soon leads them back to her house. He takes her inside and makes sure she is settled in bed before turning to leave.

"Thanks for hanging out with me" she says with a smile getting comfy in her bed ready for a nap.

He stops at her doorway and turns back around to face her smiling, "No problem Princess. If you need anything... I'm around."

He doesn't need her to thank him. Being in her presence isn't a chore but her eyes are slowly fluttering closed so instead of telling her all that he leaves her in peace to succumb to the sleep she so clearly needs.

He reaches the bottom of the stairs when Anthea comes into his vision.

"You know I never did think you were good for my daughter"

He's about to protest but she puts her hand up signalling she isn't finished and then continues on with what she intended to say, "...but I was wrong. You've made her laugh. I haven't heard that sound from her in too long."

Cook smiles to himself at the accomplishment. He wants nothing more than for his peachy to be happy.

"She needs her friends around her, to be strong for her."

"I don't plan on going anywhere."

"Good."

~ ** ~

"He saved my life" Effy says quietly during one of her counselling sessions.

Dr Moore looks over her notes and nods her head. "Ah yes, Freddie... he brought you in the first time."

Effy shakes her head adamantly, "No not him... James" she trails off as she relives that moment in the road when her memories came back in full force. She remembers her life being a mere second away from ending but he saved her. He ran through traffic for her. "Cook saved me" she adds, an unconscious smile tugging at her lips.

"Do you feel up to talking about it?" she asks softly while noting down the smile that graces her patient's face as she mentions Cook. She doesn't know too much about this person, but she senses his importance in her patient's life and she's intent on finding out more.

Dr Moore was the kind of doctor that would go along with what her patients felt like revealing and through that technique she finds that drawing out the information she needs is much easier. She knows from experience that patients are much more likely to open up if there isn't an overbearing amount of pressure on them to do so. And so far she's pleased with Effy's development.

"I... I had forgotten who I was" Effy begins with a shaky voice closing her eyes as she relives it all.

The doctor nods her head fully aware of Miss Stonem's second mental breakdown. But she's interested in her patient's perspective on it as well as the finer details that only she can provide.

"Cook... he seemed nice... I felt like I could trust him for some reason so we spent the day together just having fun. I... I don't think he realised that I had forgotten who I was. But then we ended up on a street and I felt... I felt a sense of familiarity... like I had been there before."

She takes a deep breath. Reliving one of the most traumatic experiences of her life wasn't easy but she's determined to get her life back. She realises for the first time that she really _wants_ her life back more than anything.

"It's okay" the doctor reassures, "Take your time."

"I remembered my brother Tony, his accident but it wasn't possible. I was convinced that it never happened but then Cook, he tried to make me remember who I was. That we knew each other."

She pauses and the counsellor smiles with praise, "You're doing really well."

"I ran from him. I was so lost and confused. I couldn't process what he was trying to tell me. I wasn't this Effy person he was talking about... I was Elizabeth... I couldn't believe what he was telling me was true, I just couldn't" she says shaking her head emphasising how truly confused she had been.

"And then what happened?" Dr Moore asks trying to coax more information out of her patient.

"I was in the middle of a road, filled with cars and vans speeding past me. I was shouting, wanting so badly to remember who I was. To remember what Cook had told me. I wanted to be that person he knew. I wanted to remember myself. He found me and I could hear him shouting at me to get out of the road but I couldn't. I needed to remember, I needed to know who this Effy person was."

"And that's when you remembered?"

Effy nods her head in agreement, "A white van pulled out from behind another car, it was coming towards me. I was frozen and scared, headlights filled my vision and just as I thought I was about to die all the memories came rushing back. Cook pulled me out of the way just in time and I remembered _everything_."

"And after you remembered, what happened?"

"I... I kissed him. It felt right in the moment I guess. I can't explain it but it was the first thing I thought to do after I remembered who I was" she responds trying to brush off the significance of that kiss.

Ever since it happened Effy often found herself wondering why she felt such a need to kiss him at all. In the end she just stopped trying to explain it because everything she came up with didn't make sense and she wasn't prepared to admit that there might be a deeper reason behind it.

"Instincts are a good thing Effy. You should trust in yours" Dr Moore tells her wanting her patient to take away some advice from these sessions.

Instincts are an important part of being human; in fact Dr Moore thinks this could be the breakthrough that her patient needs. To gain a stronger grasp on reality she knew her patient would need to follow her instincts and not be afraid of where they might lead her because that's what real life is like. It's not always certain and safe, it can be challenging and unpredictable. But if Effy can learn to trust her instincts Dr Moore knows she'll be just fine.

Effy nods her head smiling at her counsellor. She feels better having opened up about one of the most distressing experiences of her life.

"He stopped by the other day."

"Cook?" the doctor questions while noting down how willingly her patient seems to be in opening up. A drastic change from when they first started these sessions.

"Yeah, we watched my favourite film ET and went for a walk" she replies a smile lighting up her face.

"You enjoy his company?"

"He doesn't treat me like I'm mental and about to breakdown" she replies with a roll of the eyes.

She loves her mother, she really does but she's been walking on egg shells around her, treating her differently ever since she returned from the clinic. She knows it's because she's a mother who cares and worries about her but all she really wants is to go back to normal.

"He makes me happy... and he's still here after everything. I don't really understand why he's still here" she adds thinking out loud seemingly forgetting where she was and who she was talking to.

"It seems like he really cares for you Effy and that's a good thing to have in your life, people who care. I know you found it difficult when Freddie left but you've been doing so well lately and not everybody leaves. Cook seems like a good friend and there's Pandora, and I know your mother only wants the best for you too. You have a lot of people who care." Dr Moore responds in hopes of easing her patient's insecurities about people leaving.

Effy may not openly admit she is scared of being abandoned but Dr Moore is experienced and trained and she has a talent for reading between the lines. She knows her patient has insecurities and as her counsellor she wants nothing more than for Effy to trust in the people around her.

"I actually feel like Freddie and I are really over. I loved him but being with him wasn't what I needed" she says remembering why she went mental in the first place. "We just weren't built to last and I feel okay with that, like it was meant to be that way or something" she continues reflecting on their past relationship and how she's coped surprisingly well without him for the past few months.

She's not as dependent on him as she once thought. She can be without him. She's been without him for a while now and she's doing just fine. She thinks about her life before she knew Freddie and how she was more than okay back then too and that's when she realises that she really doesn't need him like she once thought she did.

She'll always remember and care about Freddie but she doesn't feel heartbroken over their demise anymore. He left and she's moving forward. She tells herself that it's perfectly natural and the healthy thing to do and her reasoning is supported by Dr Moore which only strengthens her belief in her decision to move on.

~ ** ~

It's been five days since Cook last saw Effy. He wants to be there for her in every way that he possibly can but he doesn't want to crowd her either. He knows she needs her rest and has a schedule with her counsellor. He doesn't want to get in the way of that.

Sitting in Naomi's living room, he lights a cigarette and inhales deeply feeling a sense of calm wash over him. Since Freddie skipped town, Naomi offered him a place to stay until he sorted himself out. He knows there's a time limit though, eventually her mother will return and then Naomi and Emily will be heading off travelling. He knows he'll have to find somewhere else soon but for now he appreciates the roof over his head.

A continuous and frantic sounding knocking at the door interrupts his thoughts.

Opening the door he sees an anxious looking Effy, her dark locks are drenched from the pouring rain and he can't help but worry that she might be on the verge of breaking down again. But then she speaks.

"Why?" she asks desperately like she wants to cry.

"Why what?" he replies genuinely perplexed.

They both make their way into the living room before she continues with what she came here to do.

"Why are you still here?"

"For fuck sake Effy I... I don't understand I've been staying out of your way" he replies frustrated and a little angry that it seems like yet again he can never do anything right in her mind. The other part of him is worried for her mental state, but he'll keep those worries to himself knowing it's not something she'll appreciate him voicing. Waiting for her to respond he prepares himself for anything she might throw his way, verbal lashing or otherwise.

"Why haven't you left? Why are you _always_ there for me? Why?" she shouts enraged and on the verge of tears, all the while pounding his chest with her small fists and shouting the same word over and over. _Why._

He wraps his arms around her shaking frame wanting to comfort her and silence her angry sobs. Naturally she protests to the gesture for a while but he doesn't back down. She clearly doesn't understand the magnitude of his feelings for her and she undoubtedly needs the comfort even if she is reluctant to accept it.

As he predicted her sobs turn into quiet whimpers, and her hands that were once pounding into his chest now clutch tightly onto his t-shirt in such a way that it seems as if she never wants to let go.

"Why?" she asks again raising her head from his chest the tears having stopped and her voice much calmer.

"Not everybody is gonna leave you Eff" he replies softly while pulling her wet hair away from her face wanting to see clearly into her intense blue eyes.

"But why? Why haven't _you_ left?"

"You still don't get it do you?" he questions in a raised voice and her blank stare answers his question. "I fucking love you Effy. I'm always gonna love you but all I want is for you to get better and I'll be there. Whenever you need me and however you need me... I'll be there."

It's not often that Effy Stonem is rendered speechless but James Cook manages to do that with one passionate declaration of love. She knows he loves her she just didn't realise how much he truly did feel for her. But now she finally realises what has been in front of her for so long. A person she can rely on for absolutely anything. A person who will love her for _who_ she is. A person who makes her smile and laugh through the tough times. Maybe he isn't as wrong for her as she first thought. Maybe he is exactly what she _needs_.

Cook shakes his head realising he shouldn't have let that slip, "Shit just forget I said anything okay. You need to concentrate on getting better..."

His rambling is cut short by the feel of her lips pressing against his. Stunned by the action he stumbles backwards a little at the force in which she launches her body into his. Her arms snake around his neck and his hands unconsciously fall to her waist and that's when he kisses her back with just as much enthusiasm. Their tongues battle for dominance and he thinks this girl is going to kill him one of these days. She has no idea what she does to him. But then he doesn't think he ever wants this feeling to stop. Its unbridled passion, and lust and _love_; it's a typical Cook and Effy kiss. All those intense emotions conveyed through one simple act of affection. Words aren't necessary in this moment. In this moment, there was no horrid love triangle, there is no mental illness, and there has been no heartbreak or pain. It is just Cook and Effy, two lost souls coming together and _healing_.

When air becomes an issue their lips part but her arms remain around his neck and his around her waist, both not ready to lose the physical contact. It had been too long. Their foreheads rest together instinctively and she sighs, her eyes still closed as the effects of the kiss linger on her lips.

"What'd ya do that for?" he whispers afraid of what her reasoning may be. He thinks she is determined in making sure he never gets over her. A big part of him never wants to, but the other part thinks of how easier things would be if he didn't love this girl.

"It felt right" she replies softly as her eyes flutter open to meet his and it's probably the most honest thing she's ever said.

Yep there really is no getting over Effy Stonem, Cook thinks silently to himself. But with the look in her eyes he thinks that maybe just maybe he won't have to get over her after all.

"Yeah?"

"Someone once told me that it's _always_ gonna be you and me" she replies in a teasing tone with her trademark Effy smirk lighting up her face.

He laughs and so does she.

He sees the Effy he was first drawn to on that very first day of college and he can't help but smile. She's back. He knows that she still needs support and treatment when it comes to her psychosis but he can see a light at the end of the tunnel. He knows she is on the cusp of making a full recovery, even if she doesn't know it yet. He can feel it. And she's just given him a declaration as good as an '_I Love You'. _This day was turning out better than he ever imagined.

She picks up his half smoked cigarette off the coffee table and finishes it off all the while looking at him with that mysterious glint in her eyes.

She silently thinks that maybe they were always meant to end up here and that maybe they were built to _last_. She smiles at the thought and how she doesn't seem afraid of it. She's taking her counsellor's advice and trusting her instincts for once and so far she's liking where it's leading her. She's not exactly sure what the future holds but it doesn't look so scary anymore. She has someone by her side, the right someone and that's all she really needs.

_**Fin**_

**Thank you for reading. Reviews are appreciated :)**


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